The Journey towards Happiness

   (@ at all-you-can-eat Korean BBQ)

on Ed's birthday-after-night:

Phase 1

Phase 2

Phase 3

MISSION COMPLETE!

That's just stupid!!!

So I am driving along to a night of debauchery with my friends (a.k.a. playing boardgames). Exciting stuff, except that at the moment I was stopped at a red light. In that haze of mind boggling boredom, I feel the slightest bump against my back.

(Did someone just rear-end me? Not sure I felt it...)

A look into my rear-view mirror reveals a beat up pickup truck backing up slightly, and then ZIPPING off at high speeds around me.

(I'll take that as a yes...)

So then I resumed my trip to a wild night of moving plastic tokens around on a piece of card board. As I drive, I think, "Damn, that was lame. I hope my car wasn't damaged. But I am so apathetic that I don't feel like stopping to check. Hmm I hate traffic. I wonder what we'll have for dinner. Where do McNuggets come from?"

YEAH RIGHT! MCNUGGETS ARE FOR WUSSES!!!  HULK SMASH!!!

A moment later, the pickup driver peers into his rear view mirror and finds that a FEROCIOUS looking Nissan Sentra is inching up on him while the green light before him turns to red. Fear and desperation descends upon him as he sharply turns into a residential street. I follow.

Soon a question crosses my mind, "Uhhhh how am I going to make him stop?"

Well first thing's first. I record his license plate number, and continue following. If he stops everything will be easier. And he HAS to stop. I have a weapon that he does not have...

A full tank and superior mileage.

-5 minutes passes-

OH GOD PLEASE JUST STOP! THIS IS LAME! WHERE THE HELL AM I???

Fortunately for me, the powers heeded my prayers and he turned himself into a dead end! I zip my car by him and block his exit. The driver gets out of his car and starts running and I jump out yelling, "STOP WHERE YOU ARE! WTF DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!"

The guy just about jumps out of his skin and he says, "UH UHHH NOWHERE!"

Me, "DID YOU HIT MY CAR??? WHY DID YOU SPEED OFF SO FAST?"

Him, "UHH UHH I didn't hit your car! I sped here cause.... I was in a hurry to get home!"

Me, "O RLY??? Which of these houses is yours?"

Him, "... ... ... okay none of them! I did hit your car! But there was no damage! See for yourself!!!"

Me, *walks around and sees* "Okay there's no damage."

Him, "YEAH That's why I took off! No damage, no big deal! Let's just shake hands and forget about it!"

Me, "That's just stupid! If there's no damage why didn't you just stop and say so? Now you've got yourself a hit and run. GOOD JOB! Why would you do that? That's just stupid!!!! WHY?????"

Him, "UHHH UHHH UHHHH UHHHH... CAUSE I'M DRUNK DAMMIT!!!!"

Me, *silence* 

I was caught so off guard. It's so stupid, and yet made so much sense. I suddenly felt bad for the guy!

Me, "Okay lets just shake hands and forget about it."

Him, "really??? YEAH! YEAH!" *avidly shakes my hand*

I proceeded to leave the scene, get completely lost, and wandered around aimlessly for 15 minutes before I finally resumed my journey.

THIS IS SPARTA!!!!

Sixteen of us from work were all going to watch the 300 on opening night, and I had showed them the true path to glory:

When Leonidas kicks the persian messenger into the pit, we were all going to yell with him, "THIS IS SPARTA!!!"  And if any one were to yell at us "SHUT UP!" We were to all turn and yell at him/her, "THIS IS SPARTA!!!" *furious fist shaking*

It did not take them very long to realize the genius of my plan, and so we proceeded (with a few losers -aka non-spartans who were afraid of being embarassed).

At the theater, I spoke with the security guard, whom I knew personally. He thought the plan was awesome! In fact, he agreed that if people complain, he'll walk into the theater and say, "what's all this commotion?" *raises fist* and he will yell, "THIS IS SPARTA!!!!!!!

===Act 2===

So the show time comes, and we seat, occupying an entier row (ideal for forming phalanxes). And the scene comes... Leonidas fearlessly kicks the messenger into the pit, and I yell at the top of my lungs, "THIS IS SPARTA!!!!!!!"

The problem is that only I yelled... My co-conspirators have betrayed me! I got a few chuckles, but no outroar! No one told me to shut up! I might've felt lame if it wasn't for the fact that yelling at Leonidas' side had instantly made me feel incredibly manly. In fact I was quite certain that my balls had doubled in size in that exact moment! Screw the wusses. They probably would've been thrown off cliffs at birth in Sparta.

===Act 3===

But there was something to settle. My main co-conspirator, who has a more-than-natural love for Spartans, who I sometimes suspect of being fans of chaste pedestry, should not have wussed out...  His weakness and treachery was IN-excusable.

I exited the theater before he, once the movie ended. And when he stepped out, I STOMP KICKED him in the soolar plexus, and as he fell to the ground I roared, "THIS IS SPARTA!!!!! YOU TRAITOR!!!!!"

He cowered on the ground and whimpered, "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I couldn't do it!! boohoohooohooohoooo!"

Somewhere at the edge of my blood-rage, at the edge of my hearing to my right, I heard someone whisper, "omg he must've been the guy..."

For Cinco de Mayo we head down for a lunch at Baja Fresh. After taking my order for a delicious steak baja burrito, the cashier asks me for my name.

"Chester" I say.

"Justin?"

"No, Chester".

"Okay got it."

This actually happens all the time, no big deal. A few minutes later however, a mexicano grillman calls out, "Hester, your food is ready.. Huester your food is ready."

Brandon says, "I think he's talking about you."

(What on earth?) thinks I as I pick it up. After a brief investigation of my receipt apparently my cashier put down "JESTER" as my name and the spanglish speaking grillman pronounced it HUESTER. What in hey-sues' name are they doing!

For now on my restaurant name shall be Jake. short for Jacob.

So I was couch-potatoeing at my apartment last night when the fire alarm goes off. It's pretty cold outside so I thought I'd just sit it out... but the alarm was pretty loud so I couldn't really hear the TV anymore. Nontheless then I do manage to hear the footsteps of other people moving towards the emergency exit so I figure I'll be a good citizen and join their ranks this time.

After grabbing my coat and keys, I soon found myself waiting outside my apartment with the majority of the other tenants thinking what this next guy says, "So when're we going back in?"

But this franticly distraught girl cries, "there's a fire! in #511!!!! a real fire!!!"

Suddenly a whole swarm of people go, "OH CRAP" and run BACK into the building!

A few minutes later they return, carrying guitars, photo albums, digital cameras, clothes, laptops.

So apparently we sit around ignoring it when we hear fire alarms, and run back into the building when there's a fire.